Do you ever wake up in the morning, wishing you could go back to the days of being a kid?? No responsibility, no job, no bills... school aside, the balance of your whole life did not reside in your own fragile hands. Being an adult is hard, being alive in this world of pain and betrayal... most often from the ones you love. Trying desperately to manage what life throws our way. God says "thou shall not covett thy neighbor"... but it's hard not to look at the life of others around you and feel that yours is worthwhile. To feel, while they were able to finish college and pursue their careers, you were left behind in this limbo not knowing what to do next, feeling that 4 years of your life was wasted because life has betrayed you, your own body betrayed you... while others grew up in Christian families whose parents believed in love and the sanctity of marriage and raising their children in love, your had no choice in the matter of growing up with divorce, abuse, abandonment, neglect and never feeling the validation you so deeply desired inside... while others win battles against their disease or live lives disease free, you have no control over what happens, over what you once could do but have now lost. Even your mind is not your own, but a battle ground where you are left unguarded, exposed and alone. How are you... am I... supposed to gather the strength to wake up every morning when most times you just wish you wouldn't? God gives us the strength to survive the trials in our lives, but even a stone, when a tiny amt of water continuosly dropped on it over several years, will give and break. One heart, so fragile and so weak, can only take so many scars before all thats left is a few lbs of tissue with no purpose at all...

Blame is what we want... we want something to point to, someone to point to... some way to show it's not us. Although we've been made to feel, all our lives, that it's our fault for what comes in our lives... ultimately inside that is all we feel. "different, defective, out of control. Unable to soothe ourselves or trust others to comfort us." Some find ways to relieve the hurt... the overwhelming, ultimately drowning feeling of worthlessness and need for punishment. Cutting, Drugs, Alcohol, Starvation... all ways to relieve the pain, even just for a few moments of peace. Desiring so deeply inside to feel something, to feel in control or to feel we have atoned... even at the cost of pain. A life like this is no life...

So where do we go from here?

~Ellie

WHY???!

Why does life have to be so complicated and hard?...

Why do relationships have to come with so much pain, experience, uncertainty etc?...

I lie in bed and my mind can't stop racing around with all the thoughts i have. everything i have going on, what my life is and where the heck it may go. so many things have changed that i dont know where and when i will end up. its amazing how much life can change in a year, when you are happy and content and on a path to somewhere and your life is flipped totally upside down. i know things happen for a reason, but that still doesnt TELL me the reason and still doesnt dampen the pain that radiates from it. So many things, so many hurts feel like they just happened yesterday. to open yourself up, allow yourself to feel that things were finally coming together and you were happy... to being completely doubtful and never again knowing what to believe... what to believe was real and what was true. to wonder if you made huge mistakes in the choices you made to pursue or not pursue certain things or relationships. to break the hearts of wonderful men just to have mine broken by those i thought were wonderful. not understanding why things cant work out, why you just cant be happy for once. has life not been difficult enough?

I lie in bed and vividly see memories and pictures that will never go away, some i dont want to go away. thoughts of those ive lost and of those i love and those i fear to lose. to feel like only a thread is holding you together is a frightening thing. that at any moment it could snap and there would be nothing left. i look at my past, at my relationships and my friendships and see now what i have left... its a sharp pain in my chest to think of all that ive lost or those i let slip away. wasnt i always suppose to be the one who kept in touch? who did whatever it took to keep a relationship?... the price you pay, i suppose, when youre learning to heal yourself. the love that i gave, i can never get back... even that which i didnt know i was giving. and its too late to give the love i should have given because people dont wait forever... what do you do when all thats left of your life is this plethera of experiences... all different, all contradicting all confusing?? how do you even begin to decifer the mess, the pain inside? couldnt just one thing work out?... one thing not be scarey or doubtful or influenced by the past? can the slate ever be wiped clean or will i always feel the pain and guilt i feel in all that i do?... i fell in love when i thought it was right, i fell when i thought i could hold it back, and now the fear of falling or of not being able to scares me even more. Father, what do i do? How do i know what is true in my heart when I am so afraid?